It has been a long time since I have posted -- well sat down to do a real post and there are many reasons why. As many of you know I used to be a Nurse in Northern Canada. I am still a Nurse but I am no longer in Northern Canada. I cannot be there any more. It was not good for me. I just cannot do it because I got sick...very sick. On September 16th 2010 I tried to kill myself. Now as a nurse --particularly an emergency room nurse you tend to know what will and will not work. What I did would have worked. I got so close. Closer than I have ever been before in my life. This was my fourth attempt in about 15 years. I have battled depression my whole life. Literally my whole life. I cannot remember a time where I loved myself. Ever. I even remember my mother saying to me when I was young that "you are difficult to love." How would I ever learn then? Thus began my life long battle with depression and learning to love just myself. I ate for comfort. I ate to feel...I ate and I ate....and ate some more. When the eating did not work any more I hurt myself. I did stupid things with men to feel love. I did anything just to feel something. In 1998/99 I met my soon to be ex-husband and also had gastric by-pass surgery. I thought those two things -- getting skinny and having a man would mean that I would be loveable. Well I have been able to keep over a hundred pounds off my frame but I did not feel love. I felt other things but I did not love myself. Over ten years later I have left my husband--been with another man -- still did not feel love and have no learned to love myself. In the last 18 months I have tried to kill myself three times. Three freaking times. Well guess what--I am finally figuring some things out...duh I guess three times is the charm.....
1) I suffer from depression -- duh
2) I need to talk about things. I have to stop isolating myself from people because that is not good for me. I moved to a remote place to get away from everything and that was not good for me. I need people in my life in order to learn how to love myself
3) I need medication and I will need it for the rest of my life....there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting you need anti-depressants.
4) I have anxiety. I have a need for control and if I cannot control things it drives me batty. Guess what Sarah--learn to let go and learn to relax and breath. Learn that things happen...hard lessons to learn and it is not a lesson that happens in one day or one week or even one month--but you do learn it in one lifetime so take your time and learn it
5) I am WORTHY of love now how to get that through my thick skull
6) I need to exercise. It does good stuff to my brain which in turn helps with my depression and anxiety
7) I need to eat better-- it is good for my depression and anxiety and self-esteem
8) I need to be in a better work environment. My former supervisor was a vindictive, evil, nasty woman who on a regular basis told me that people hated me and I was not worthy of things. This is not healthy or good for me and as such I need to find something better.
So --
I am back in southern Canada...
In a supportive and loving environment--
Searching for a job
Exercising daily
Battling the urges of junk food--yup just ate a whole box of Mr.Maple cream cookies while I study for my midterm--doing my masters degree on top of all of this---
Trying to learn how to sleep without drugs -- damn anxiety and of course the minute my brain hits the pillow it starts thinking--how dare it eh?
And I am hoping and praying that through my blog I can achieve a wholistic health -- just for me....care to take me on Jacksh.t??
Sarah
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