challenges...

I am having a ton of challenges lately....
My medications are playing havoc with my stomach again. I have had to stop them because each and everytime I take them I vomit or feel like vomiting. I seem to have also developed this really weird thing that feels like I have something in my throat each and everytime I swallow. It doesn't hurt it just feels like something is stuck in my throat. Weird. I know. I have gone to my family doctor who is not too worried therefore neither am I but it just interferes with my daily living.
My stomach still is really arguing with me and as such I am eating weirdly. I know I have not been eating well lately. I have no idea what to do about it. It has been about three weeks of real food battles lately. To the point where I am or have been essentially eating/living on cereal and eggs/toast combos lately. Not good I am well aware but frankly my stomach has been arguing so much that I am eating what I can.
I am also well aware that my stress levels are increasing and my depression is getting worse. I am getting seriously cranky to the point that it is worrying me a bit but also the negative thought process is getting quite out of hand. My moods are cycling faster and faster. I am either highs or lows but no happy medium. I know that this is not good especially as I approach the anniversary of my latest suicide attempt. It is coming up on the one year anniversary. Last night I even dreamt about the trauma from up there and it scares me. I was / am very worried about the date as it comes closer and the backlash from Sandy. It pisses me off that it still lurks in my mind. It pisses me off that she can still creep into my normal life down here and fuck around with my happiness. I know that it is not all Sandy nor is it all Nunavut but it is my life that it is interefering with.
My present relationship with Paul is very much being coloured by my past with Dave. I really keep expecting him to fuck me over - in mind body and spirit. Crazy I know...I keep expecting him to say -- ahahhaha we are not really buying this house and hahahahaha screw you I never loved you and you are so fugly that no one will ever love you. Yesterday (sunday) we went to Timmins and bought a new mattress (king size) for the new place and a new bedroom set. I kept waiting for him to do a Dave and say oh yeah well not right now--and totally lead me down a garden path of expecting to buy it and then not but he actually bought it with me. He paid the down payment--he was excited about it. Totally unlike the past....you can see how my now totally untrusting me is waiting to be fucked up by this. For him to dump me and leave me high and dry. But he hasn't - and he actually follows through with his promises. I am very confused and leary of this. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop. 
Work is stressing me out. I have a team leader who is so rude and mean and totally untactful that it makes me upset. Diane is just so wrong on so many levels. I really don't get how she got the job. Yeah she is smart and qualified and very brilliant for the job but she yells at me and makes me feel so small and so very stupid. I am neither of those but that is how i feel. To the point that I am honestly considering giving up emergency work. Honestly. I just don't know how or what to do regarding work right now. 
I know that life will be better once my mood is managed and I get more stable but how do I do that with the lack of medications?
One task I will be aiming for is to decrease the stress in my life. This summer I have been working lots to pay down bills and to fix stuff up around the house. Stuff that needed to be done before the wintertime. Stuff that I wanted done. Which meant I have been working lots of extra shifts at the other hospitals. KL and Eng. Well that also meant increased stress for me. This is a regular pattern of behaviour for me and I am well aware of it. Which means I should also know what not to do. I NEED to stop picking up so many damn shifts. School starts Tuesday and I need to focus on the bigger picture and not the small picture in front of me. Therefore I am cutting out --Eng--I need to do this. I barely work there and frankly I am not a huge fan of the place. It has been a source of negative energy for me and as such it is gone. 
I am also starting up the exercise - with regularity -- starting Tuesday. I found in July when I regularly exercised I felt better - it seemed to compliment the medications. Now with the medications gone (until I see Dr.D at the end of the month) I need to figure out a strategy to keep me alive until then. I know I sound overly dramatic but guess what with the anniversary looming and it being my third and most scary attempt in a 18 month stretch I need to do everything in my power to keep it at bay. 
I think I will also talk with my family MD. She is a kind and compassionate woman and mostly I trust her. I will touch base and see what she recommends we do. I am convinced that my swallowing thing is a psychosomatic problem but how I deal with it is beyond my little brain at present. 
Anyway it may not be a big deal but I feel better getting this out in the open even though no one even reads this blog I know I feel better...